how i wish december would come soon. i need a break from everything! exams over, and just enjoy!

but, as december approaches, i wish that it could actually not come.

yes, december, exams are over. for everyone. every single one of us, siblings. it's a time to settle everything. things comes to an end, and a new life starts. not sure abt the process, but the results will be that.

雖然早就料到會有這樣的結果，但能不能接受、適應，又是另一個問題。事情會有怎么樣的結尾我是知道的，但是這么久了，我還是沒有想到我應該如何反應。我以後要用什么態度面對他們，又該怎么維持只有血緣聯系著的關係？

yes it's a dilemma. i agreed the split. wholeheartedly. cos i'm alrd sick of holding the thought of otherwise after so many years.  sick of being their messenger. why is it always me? 我不說，不代表我沒感覺。我不喊，不代表我不痛。

but, i've nvr thought of how it would be if we are not living tgt. i feel damn bad for my dad, cos most probably, we'll all follow my mum. with uni being so busy, how am i going to maintain the relationship? it feels like we are abandoning him. but still, to be honest, i also really cant stand his weird attitude and behaviour anymore too. but at the same time, im worried abt whether he can survive himself with that life he is leading now. will anyone accept him? i dun want to leave him all lonely. it's just damn sad. i feel the responsibility, i feel the guilt.

many times i asked myself why did things turned out to be like that. is it cos i did not do my part? but it is not like it is smth that i can intervene. it's just that..they both gave up long ago.

how? i really want december to come. but there is just smth that i dun want to face. this is damn sickening.