我從來就不喜歡解釋任何我的所做所為。我會做一件是當然是有原因的。但我不喜歡解釋，因為那有點像在找借口維護你自己的行為。但有時因情況而異。為了不然我不解釋的行為而產生無畏的誤會，我選擇澄清。
at least this was wat i tot when i decided to write an apology letter to ms chua that time. i dun want a teacher who cared so much for me to be disappointed in me and lose the trust in me. this time i called to clarify matters is becos i do not want complications, which apparently had alrd occurred.
i took up the post, not becos of the testimonial, but is to protect him and the rest from being shot. as a first aider, i know i can heal myself. at least this was wat i tot to be the best solution.
i had nvr wanted this post. econg nvr approach me to ask me if i want it. she approach lk, he rejected. she approached xx, he rejected. she as xx to go find another person, he go find lk. den lk ask him find me, den i asked cm. nobody freaking wanted that post. why? one of the reason is, as quoted by cm, "i dun want to get hated". of course, the person who's freaking going to take up that bloody post is going to get hated to the core. who wants it?
But there was no choice. econg had alrd made her decision. she wanted lk to be. i could i let this happen? so yes, i volunteered to take up the post.
the angel in u may choose to believe wat i said above. but the devil may be thinking, "yea right? got so nice ah huh? cfm is for the testimonial one lah? who doesnt want it? why will econg, with no reason, ask a treasurer to help her collate who's going for psc make up?"
That's wat i wanted to know to. why did she ask me to do it when lk was asst ct that time? i dint even know she asked me to do it until he told me cos econg sent me a msg to my old phone no. is like wth?? why me? how i noe sia...
den the devil starts speaking again, "平時夠乖啦！want to get her attention right?"
to be 乖 is wat a student shld do. and i not that 乖 anyway...i just do wat i tot is right. to attend lesson punctually, to study, ans qns..wat wrong with that? i believe that's how i can managed my studies..
devil: but still do so much stuff to AA...
yes, i did stuff that may be beyond wat i shld do as just a member of the class. but that was to help my leaders. i wrote this in my speech for MCS elections - I do hope to be given a chance, but if someone more deserving were to be appointed instead, I will also do my best as a member to help the Exco. i merely wanted to help out my class leaders. i am just happy enuf to be a member in the class. i had nvr liked to be a monitor for a class. you can ask shao ting how much i hate it. and yes, even if i am not the monitor, i will still do my best to help her if she needs help, esp when she is ur fren..like wat i did to shao ting in sec 4.
If all i did was for the testimonial, den i would have done that a long time ago..i would run for ct rep in j1, i would accept the offer when econg asked me to replace the asst ct in j1..why would i only do it now? everything..it was econg who approaches me. to replace u as asst ct rep last yr, to replace brandon as treasurer this yr. this time, i was left with no choice but to volunteer myself.
And why would i want to be the ct rep when i am alrd so busy and stressed up? H3, PLAP, SYF...i had to go home late almost evryday now.. 干嘛要不自量力？做事要量力而為。但我別無選擇。一旦接受了，我會保証我會做到。if it is beyond my limit, i will stretch my limits.
I believed i posted smth regarding this issue b4, as of 12 apr 2010:
"That's why i have decided to give up on any leadership posts in JC. I know this is a super bad idea as it can really damage my portfolio...but life is not just about building up portfolio, is it? At least that was what i tot. But realty is cruel. It forces you to change or work against your principles. I need a good portfolio to get a chance to obtain a scholarship, to lessen the burden of my family...but it requires me to oppose my principles...*in dilemma* I don't want to build up my portfolio for the sake of building it up. It is so fake. It is not the true you when people look at ur portfolio..so wat's the point? I want a portfolio that reveals the true me, with my passion."
I know my passion does not lie in being a class monitor. why force myself to do that? i had no choice when i weigh the pros and cons and insist on protecting who is impt to me.
I hate it when after econg annouced it to the class, she linked it back to testimonial again. i nvr liked to do stuff for testimonial, that's why i hate the sg education system. but even if i had to, i wun do it this way. i will just jolly well start a SL project.
If i really want a good testimonial, i wun be a nobody in class; i wun be without a post for OCIP; i wouldnt reject the offer when i was offered to be the sectres for OCIP. lols...when i was even asked abt that, i was like "hehe no.." i could reject it as if i dun gve a heck abt it. dun believe go ask anyone u noe in that OCIP. even if i am a nobody, i still did my best for the sake of the whole group of ppl. esp when i was in the log team for OCIP. who can see wat i did when i was just a member of a team? quite hard ah..but i still did. it was for the benefit for the whole grp. things have to be done.
when it comes to a point that there was even a slightest moment that u had once doubted my integrity, it shows that there is really smth wrong with our friendship. of course i would hope that we can still remain as wat we was in the past, but even if we could go back, it will be somehow different alrd. as for now, 我不想用熱臉去貼冷屁股。那感覺很糟。也許我們都需要時間。
it is hard to pull ppl up, but easy to pull them down. when econg first told me abt this, and later linked it to finding spouse etc..the first person i tot was you. maybe u nvr felt like i was trying to pull u up, but i did try. maybe i failed. but yes, even if i was pulled down by this, i will make sure i will climb back up.
and i told myself, 就算有在大的事發生在朋友身上，我都會幫他們頂。這是我的性格。我無所畏懼。因為我相信我有那個能力和能耐。所以我會選擇保護大家。
and yes, last thing. the sms that i sent that night, was before i read ur post and before i knew i was going to be ct rep.
of course the devil may still be there, "你現在要說什么都可以啦。一切都發生了。講到好像很偉大...偽善者..貓苦老鼠..shedding crocs tears..."
如果真的那么想，我會選擇嗤之以鼻
# posted by JwwT at
5:51 PM
伪善者
我只是想保护他。
If you think that you need time and want me to
f off keep any distance, i will jolly well do so.
I know anything i say now will definitely be doubtful. So i shant say much.
要说的该说的我都说了。要相信多少就看这一年的友谊到底值多少。
但我能保证，你说的，要我相信的，我都会像从前一样选择相信。
# posted by JwwT at
11:29 PM
GAH! Confirm can't study finish for blocks de.....This march holz...not effecient sia ><" Haven't finish econs notes...havent go memorise it...and the rest of the subjects..haven't really touch on them yet...GG!
But this blocks must really kao hao hao...must prove to my mum that i can do it! AND I WILL! WE WILL! so last day..must chiong like siao liao lol...if this test nvr do well ah...i dunno wat will happen lol.
KAMPATEI!! GAMBATTE!!
hmmm...SYF day confirm liao..14 april..that's like less abt 3 weeks?!?! and got rehearsal at UCC on 4 april..and after blocks...everyday is a CCA day!! except for wed...hiong liao...must jia you! first time participating in SYF..once in a lifetime experience. quite cool lol. hope can win gold or better :]
and yay! got in PLAP!!! LOL damn tyco i think :P hmmm but i think the interview was quite alright..think i getting better le..and cos this time got prepare, not like the OCIP one..go there talk crap only..and not very formal also..hope my interview skills can improve also..need to get a scholarship for uni!!!
sighh.......got curfew now...zi zhao de...........damn sian.........but ya..going home early is not a bad thing also..........but jiu........sigh.........and now my mum is like damn sarcastic......wth...........get home early jiu say.wah today so early ah.......fine lah~ u want me come home late issit?????? ~_~"
hmm and i think i wont be taking my electone exam this year le bah....cos if need take this year jiu need take in june...but dun think i will have enuf time to prac...esp now got SYF + PLAP + need to study....so....shall hone my impro skills for another year...den after A lvl still got 6 months to prac more hiong-ly...hope i can pass with one try ><" though it's like quite impossible...cos today my teacher say he failed 3 times...wth?? he is freaking pro....but still failed 3 times?!?! sigh.........ya..either waste exam fees or lesson fees lah...
last but not least...some stuff happened to classmates and teachers in the past few weeks...ya i agree that he shld fight for the issue regarding integrity. i also can't stand teachers or anyone else who doubt my integrity...not even when the teacher take my phone away when i just placed it on the table...it is seriously super insulting for me. and i did post smth very long ago...abt a teacher who really put me off...ya, but hope that he can control the way he fight for it and not blow the matter up too big. afterall, she is still our teacher and the CT to write our testimonials. But one point that i disagree is that no matter wat the teacher did, we shldnt scold vulgarities at the teacher...we shld still leave some respect for her. like not scolding f word or anything super insulting. even when i scold teacher, i wont be so extreme..and i think we shld still have some respect for them. and ya...i think u shld also noe, and think u noe alrd..that this whole matter started becos u were in the wrong first...so..still...even though the integrity matter is her fault, but wat sparked off the whole issue is becos u were late mah..so try to understand her also bah...
ya... but i really hate the sch's system..the hierarchy that we had to follow...it sux! even though i enjoy going to sch, but i really hate the sch system...sigh....but ya, hope u win the fight for ur integrity, but still make sure that it is within control :]
# posted by JwwT at
10:41 PM
IN A DAMN AIRFING BAD MOOD NOW! WTH?!
dunno is i pmsing or she pmsing. Just now still can talk talk abt her work stuff, talk until mood not bad de, atmosphere not bad, den later jiu ki siao liao. Ask me use my comp check her email, den mess up the pile of work that i piled up still say i messy. Den jiu keep nagging and nagging and nagging. say wat i damn messy..even my bro's better than me...以後沒有人要。
yes, throughout my whole life she dunno say how many times le. 我以後沒有人要。 i have been psyched to believe this. ya, why would ppl value me? i had asked this qn and got reply that cos it is me. but ya, it is this me that my mum thinks that 我沒人要。 為什么會有人要我？
也許要我的人不懂的真正的我。
或者是不要我的人覺得自己很了解我。
或許，我也不知道自己到底是怎么樣的一個人。
為什么其他人會要我，會夸獎我，但我的親人卻覺得我沒人要，還是不要我？
也許，親人指的不是最親密的人。
睡在同一間房又何妨？
同住在一個屋檐下又何妨？
同流著一條血脈又何妨？
朝夕相處幾年又何妨？
好想重新活過我的人生。表面成功，但其實活得很失敗。
好想回到小時候。但回到了，一切就會不一樣嗎？若要重新經歷一樣的東西，叫我去死好了。
我知道現在的我不應該這樣想，但還是會懷疑。因為未來是個未知數。
# posted by JwwT at
7:50 PM
went out for lunch with family today! ate a lot..slept right after that ><" fattening.... but enjoyed lunch with them.
for some reason or another, i felt like i have matured. quite a lot. maybe it's becos my edler bro abandoned us..i meant flew to aus to study..i think i start to become more responsible and want to take care of my family more. talked to my mum on the way to the restaurant (cos the car cannot fit so many ppl so i volunteered to take mrt) yea...talked abt wat's happening recently, the interview and uni..i believ she still believe in me. think she is worried that i would be too busy. but well...i should be able to cope, with studies, H3, SYF, PLAP if i got in..and ahem :p
yea..den during lunch..dunno leh..jiu feel like i need to take care for everyone de gan jue. switching seats, helping them asking and ordering food. dunno leh..last time jiu just care for myself..eat wat i want...but now, will care for them, ask wat they want, help them. ppl do grow up when placed in certain circumstances. maybe not only cos my bro was away that made me more caring, but perhaps becos i was cared for recently and enjoyed it, so i want to reciprocate it to my family and ppl around me too.
and yes, this is my retarded bro LOL. the choptick was from the restaurant and he used it to kiap his hair LOL. RETARDED HAHAHAHA!!! den he also used it to play the human reaction time game with my cousin. joke.
oh, and video convoed with my elder bro today. sang happy bday song for my mum..which was long overdued ><" but still sing liao..and she's still happy lah :]
and wanted to talk abt this but keep forgetting. it's abt my education, teacher and teaching. wat sparked me to think abt this again is cos of one incident that happed last wed. dear A***n L*w, our dear phy tutor, left the class becos some students dint manage to finish their assignment or shld i say, show a sincere attempt in doing them. so he wanted the class to spend time doing during lesson and call him back after that. this..was nth wrong yet. cos i think there's no pt going thru the tut since other's havent do. but it was wat he said the really......made me think that there's smth wrong with our education..maybe not education for the students, but for the teachers.
he said smth along those lines: if ppl from (another class) can finish, if some ppl from our class can finish the assignd homework, and even went further, i dont see why the rest of you cannot.
yes. here's the prob. comparing a class to another class standards has always been a lao mao bing of many teachers. perhaps they think that this will spur the class to do better, but i beg to differ. perhaps it's becos this generation of student do not accept this kind of 激将法 anymore. we are a generation who requires 爱的教育.
also, how can teachers compare student to student? isnt it obvious that diff ppl have diff abilities, and that you cant just make comparison base on diff basis. it is an unfair comparison. for example, a cleverer student requires a lot lesser time to complete his tuts while a student struggling to even understand the concepts will obviously need a lot more time to do his tut. so this isnt really abt the case of time management alrd. it is just one cannot finish his work within that given period. and he has so much more subjects to do too. so comparing students is really a wrong move. even since very long ago, 孔子 also know abt this logic, and come up with 因材施教. so why does teachers who went thru NIE not know abt this simple logic?
furthermore, that teacher of us was only 6 yrs older than us. he had beed thru was we are going thru not too long ago. i think that he shld have similar sentiments when he was in JC. also, students nowadays are really more busy. they have so much stuff to cope. 6 yrs can make a huge diff in the amt of stress students are facing now. yes, there's smth called the H3 (which at his 年代 still dun have). and students have to be involved in many activities to build up their portfolios and the competition now is more intense as compared to 6 yrs ago. but why is he doing smth that students dont like to us? perhaps he was just desperate. afterall, A lvl is this yr, and that every teacher hopes that their classes can obtain good results, which perhaps give them comfort and let them have confidence in themselves that they are good teachers.
but wat students really require is not a teacher only good in teaching, but a teacher who can inspire them to study. isnt that wat is portrayed in many advertisement for recruiting teachers? yes, to inspire. a teacher will be more sucessful than her other colleges if she can inspire her students instead of just ensuring they have good results.
so, is there a prob with the education teachers are going thru? in this fast changing world, everything is changing. the MOE keeps changing the education for students, changing syllabus for students, but have they tot that they may also need to change the syllabus for teachers too? so as to suit the needs of the newer generations of students? perhaps this is smth that MOE shld really address.
of course, all these are just my own opinions on these little incident, and other ppl may beg to differ. but, i've made my pt.
# posted by JwwT at
10:02 PM
